Back Again

I decided to start writing in the blog again for a lot of reasons. First, I'm hopefully getting a column in the school newspaper, so I need to start writing again. Second I have a lot of new ideas about how to make fun of Erin Sale in creative new ways. Finally, the broomball season has started again, and I feel I owe it to the general population who won't be able to attend our games to provide a lively synopsis of what you missed.

The new blog will hopefully be entertaining and aggressive, and there will be no holds barred, so if I write something and someone wants me to take it down, that person should contact me, so that I can mock them in the blog and feel guilty and take down the original post and the one mocking them. Most, importantly, as is tradition with my other blogs, I will write about twenty entries, and then get bored and stop. So enjoy while you can.

The first thing I want to write about is the amazing broomball game that took place last Wednesday night and the heroic efforts of an unlikely underdog.

For those of you unfamiliar with broomball, i t's basically a combination of curling, hockey, household chores, brooming, mopping, hitting girls at full speed, and fun. It is unquestionably the greatest sport ever invented, even beter than table broomball (yes, that's exactly what it sounds like). Last year we entered a team and had the time of our lives and along with every other team we made the playoffs (If every team qualifies, is still a playoff? As the MLS has shown us, the answer is yes.)

Well, we met a worthy foe in the first round in the all Russian Team representing Charther, the Engineering Eating Club. They dealt us a humiliating defeat of over 50 goals to 0 putting on a veritable clinic of broomball skills and successfully demonstrating the pressing need for some kind of mercy rule.

But this year the Russian's are all graduated or back in the USSR, which means that we decided to enter a team and win the championship. Our team name, selected by the enthusiastic team manager, Ann Vale, is Team Tonya Harding and our team chants have something to do with Crowbars and Blood.

This Wednesday, we had our first game. The opponent: Grad College. The good news: grad students are some of the most feeble uncoordinated human beings on the planet. Generally their muscles have atrophied from hours of performing chemcial experiments our typing in computer code. The Bad News: They were probably gonna have at least one Russian.

Our team this year contains some familiar faces and some talented newcomers. In no particular order:

1. Ann Vale (Year 2, Defender) Effective wall passer and shirt maker. Team manager who composes lengthy emails to rally the troops. Considered the heart and soul of Team Tonya Harding.

2. Courtney Smith (Year 2, Defender) The all-star female. Courtney has a "tradition" of sustaining a mild to serious injury every game. This tends to keep things exciting as players wait to see how she will become crippled with each new game.

3. Kane Something (Year 1, Offense) Kane is an up and coming talent who should make a big impact this year. And he also wears a bikini on the ice.

4. James Somethign (Year 1, Offense) James showed up late to the game, but don't you dare tell him to show up on time. James plays by his own rules! This was made clear enough when he tried to score by putting the ball in his pocket and walking into the goal. If only it had been the opponents goal!

5. Del Wong Something (Year 1, Offense) Del Wong is highly talented with a broom and quick on the ice. He has all the fans asking, Is there anything Del WON'T Do?

6. Kirsten Ruch (Year 1, Defense) Kirsten was effective as a sub, no not a sub sandwhich. After coming off the bench, she made the coaches question why she was ever on it.

7. Meg Gallagher (Year 1, Goalie/Defense) After "strugling", to put it politely, in goal, Meg Gallagher redeemed herself on defense. She is also the official art designer for Team Tonya.

8. Miles (Year 1, Goalie) The team's goalie last year was Tom Brown, an aloof but affable young gentleman who amused and annoyed teammates by refusing to show up to the rink until one minute before the game. This year he took the prank one step farther by not showing up at all. After a brief stint by Meg, Miles stepped it up and tended goal earning his first clean sheet.

9. Tom Knight (Year 2, Offense) The self-proclaimed King of Broomball, Tom was once asked "Are you the Michael Jordan of Broomball" to which he responded "Michaelf Jordan is the Tom Knight of Basketball players".

MIRACLE:

When the United State's Olympic Hockey Team defeated the Russians in the 1980 Olympics, few thought that the feat would ever be topped. Well last Wednesday it happened. In what critics quickly dubbed "The Miracle On Ice 2: And the Legend Continues" Team Tonya Harding overcame every adversity imaginable and then some, but would they win? Yes, they would. Or would they? Read on to find out.

Yes, they would.

But, it wasn't always so certain. The trouble started when Tom Brown, the teams goalkeeper in the previous year failed to show up to the ice. In a moment of valor and bravery defender Meg Gallager volunteered to stand between the posts. For the first half of play the Grad School dominated, firing countless shots on goal eeking two in. Meg gave it her best, but Miles was sent in to replace her with five minutes left in the first half. Team Tonya Harding managed a few shots on goal and came unlucky striking the woodwork at least once. But, by half-time, the grad college led 2-0.

In the huddle at half time inspiration words were exchanged, and a general plan was agreed upon. Team Tonya Harding would score goals and prevent the Grad College from scoring goals. A flawless plan, yes, but as they say in Chinese, shuo.chii.lai rong.yih, tzuooh.chii.lai bu.nemm jandean.ne. Translated: at first hearing that easy, at first doing that not simple. (I knew taking Chinese would come in handy. Thanks Professor Link!)

So the team took back to the ice with impossible odds. All but one of the fans had already left, leaving the lonely, faithful Teresa to cheer the team on. That Teresa was the only fan from the beginning should not detract from the dramatic effect of this description.

For the first five minutes Team TH struggled to do anything with the ball treading water and playing defensively looking like anything but a team that would score goals. Then, on a breakaway Kane fired a perfect pass past the reach of the goalie and I connected with the broom. Team Tanya's first goal of the season made the score 2-1.

The next goal will go down in the annals of broomball history as one of the most controversial scores of all time. With five minutes left Tom Knight, Del, and Kane where all pressuring the Grad School's goalie, a stray ball squirted out of a face off and made contact with Tom Knight's foot, rolling into the goal. Unaware of the broomball rule disallowing scores by foot, the goal was counted. Already, cynical critics have dubbed this historic flubb "The Foot of God" goal.

With 20 seconds left, the score remained tied at 2-2. Realizing that they had but one chance left to win the game the offensive trio charged Grad School's goal and Tom Knight put a flukey shot in the lower right corner. As grad school fell to their collective knees, one announcer was heard to shout "Do you believe in Miracles 2?" just asking for some sort of movie adaptation.

Team Tonya Harding was now undefeated for the first time in their franchise's short history. The victory was celebrated with slurpee's at the Wawa, which Brett threw mine away, when I clearly wasn't done. Thanks Brett.

I hope everyone has enjoyed this Broomball update. Tune in next week and hopefully read about another Team Tonya Harding victory.