Live at the Comedy Club

MC: Ladies and Gentleman welcome to the Tom Knight comedy club. And now here is, he owns the place so we have to watch him: It's Tommmmmmm Knight!
Tom: Thankyou, thankyou. I just swam here and boy are my arms and legs tired.
Crowd: (applause)
T: Yeah, so anyways, the other day, I was minding my own business, when all of a sudden, this guy does something totally unexpected and hypocritical. And I was like, what? But, ok, I go on minding my own business, when all of a sudden another guy does something hypocritical, but, BUT in the exact opposite way as the first guy. I was like, woah, how ironic! Hellllllloooooo!
C: How Ironic!
T: So, what's the worst part about the common cold?
C: How cold was it??
T: The fact that there's not a cure for it.
C: (Sneezes)
T: Why did the person go to IHOP, the International House of Pancakes?
C: Why?
T: So they could get crippling diahrreah and lose enough wait to fit into that prom dress.
C: Thats practical and hilarious!
T: If I opened a chain of Mexican Restaurants, hey fuggedaboutit, all we would serve would be rice drink!
C: (Confusion)
T: Hmm, sorry about that one.
C: That's ok.
T: So, let's see...Why did the student become outraged?
C: Pourquoi?
T: Isn't it obvious? Grade Inflation!
C: Now it's time for the political part of the routine.
T: Right, how'd you know?
C: What's the worst part about George Bush?
T: The gas prices! I'm so tired of PAYING AT THE PUMP! Good thing I DON'T OWN A CAR!
C: "A breakthrough comedian, the finest of a generation"
T: What's the worst part about being in the band the Arcade Fire?
C: Having Erin Sale as your number one fan!
T: Why did member's of Rock and Roll band the Walkmen burn their master tapes and recite a vow never to make any more music.
C: Because Erin Sale became their number one fan after seeing them featured on an episode of The OC.
T: Thankyou, everyone, you've been a wonderful audience.