The Worst of Tom Knight

Well, I just got an e-mail from my "boss" at the newspaper and apparently they will not be "needing my services" this week. What a shame, because I had a HILARIOUS article all about socks ready to go. It was literally just a little story about socks. And funny. And it contained words and paragraphs. And punctuations at appropriate stuff. And the woman that wrote EATS, SHOOTS & LEAVES is writing a new book all about manners. One of the manners is not correcting peoples grammar. It's just not polite. Another of the manners is not being that woman, and another is having a life and not writing a book about punctuations, which is just a complete waste of time.

I apologize for the incoherent nature of the preceding paragraph. I blame the increase in ADHD diagnoses.

I know that the faithful readers of my newspaper column are going to be going through "Tom Knight withdrawal" without their fortnightly dose of my column, and this is actually a pretty serious condition. Symptoms include crippling diarrhea and sore throat. So, here you have it: a column that I wrote three weeks ago, that even I deemed "not good enough" to make the cut. For anyone that reads my column with any regularity, you will know that this article must be REALLY bad. I wrote two articles in a row on iPods for heavens sake.

Note: You may have noticed that a really hilarious article I posted to the blog about a certain eating club has been removed. This article was removed in light of some surprising information that I obtained, namely that certain people in said eating club actually read my blog. Not wanting to burn any bridges while I'm standing on those bridges, I decided to remove that post until a certain "date" in the "near future". If this made no sense, then please to ignore. Just know this--further hilarity on the way. As if you didn't already expect that.

So without further adon't here is the article "they" don't want you to see:

Michael Brown Stinks So Much
By: Thomas Knight

I just don't see what the big deal is.

This past week Michael Brown, former FEMA director, has received much criticism for a series of e-mails that he wrote during the Katrina disaster. Though the topics of his missives vary from dog-sitters to fashion tips, the rallying cry from “the left” seems to be a clear, if somewhat juvenile—“Down with Brown!”

Well, I beg to differ. Anyone who takes the time to actually examine Brown's e-mails, will uncover a hero at work; a man engaged in fierce battle with the forces of nature. To paraphrase Bush, Brownie was doing a heck of job.

In one e-mail, a FEMA worker, Marty Bahamonde, wrote Brown to describe the desperate situation in New Orleans and seek guidance from his leader. Brown's response was short and sweet, “"Thanks for update. Anything specific I need to do or tweak?" Though the syntax leaves something to be desired, the message is clear. Brown craves information, and he is grateful for an update! As November 30 draws near, we would do well to learn a lesson from this man and his “thanks” giving.

The second half of this note is where we really get a glimpse of what makes Brown tick. It is too easy to dismiss his question here as an example of his uncertain leadership, and miss the real significance behind his words. Michael Brown is a master of the Socratic method, and he knows that, were he to simply reveal the solution to the Katrina crisis, Marty wouldn't actually learn anything. What kind of FEMA director would that make him?

"He needs much more that [sic] 20 or 30 minutes, we now have traffic to encounter to go to and from a location of his choise [sic], followed by wait service from the restaurant staff, eating, etc. Thank you," wrote Brown Aide Sharon Worthy in another Katrina email. If we set aside Sharon's decidedly unworthy grammar and spelling, it's clear that she makes a valid point. Anyone who expected Brown to complete an entire dining experience in 20 minutes was simply being unrealistic. I recently dined at the Olive Garden. and it was 45 minutes just to get a table. Furthermore, traffic at the time must have been awful, considering the nasty weather.

Worthy also gave the following helpful advice a few days later, "Please roll up the sleeves of your shirt, all shirts. Even the president rolled his sleeves to just below the elbow. In this [crisis] and on TV you just need to look more hard-working.” This one is a no-brainer. Not only do rolled up sleeves give the appearance of hard work, but in case Brown ever visited the flooded area, it would ensure that his sleeves would be less likely to get wet. Also, let's face it, rolled up sleeves look really cool. For a self-proclaimed “fashion god” like Brown, this would clearly be an important factor.

Just when did Michael Brown decide that he was a so-called god of fashion? If you guessed not during Hurricane Katrina, then you were wrong.

As you probably know Brown is no longer in charge of FEMA, which means that the talents of a great leader are being wasted right now. Might I recommend some type of job for him in Iraq. We can give him a Blackberry. I'm sure he'll have a lot to say.