Let the Games Begin!

I am sitting here watching the winter olympics ceremony. In spite of the greatness of the olympic games, this is some of the worst television I've ever seen. Maybe its the fact that I just finished the great Arrested Development finale, and anything else is bound to seem weak in comparison, but I don't understand the appeal of watching a bunch of athletes in coats walking down a little pathway and waving their digital camera toting hands.

And yet here I am watching it. My dad and I have made a game of it, trying to guess the number of athletes random countries will have. For anyone interested in playing this game, most of the time a safe bet is 1, especially if the country ends in -stan. Also, do not make the same mistake I did...despite its location in the midst of what I presumed to be a healthy cluster of mountain ranges, the Luxemburg olympic team is not the powerhouse that you would expect. They fielded a one person team, consisting of a 52 year old luge superstar, called grandma luge, which made my 20 person even more embarassing.

As the athletes came out, the ceremony organizers decided to play, as Bob Costas described it "a seemingly random collection of 80's pop hits." Costas was in fine form as he openingly mocked this decision, especially as Slovenia came out to the tune of YMCA. In his words: "I wonder if the Slovenia delegation approached the IOC and said 'listen the Olympics really mean a lot to our nation, we were wondering if you could play YMCA as we're introduced".

I will now describe what is happening as I type. They just had a bunch of people tossing flags about, somewhat like a high school drill squad. A couple of thoughts crossed my mind, the first being imagine how embarassing if a guy dropped one of these flags, and they had to burn it right there because it touched the ground, and secondly, good lord this is boring.

If they needed to burn a flag or two, at least theyd have a flame handy, they just cut to a live feed of the olympic torch which seemed surrounded by way too much security. It is a little known fact that I actually went to see the olympic torch in 2003 as it was carried through some random car dealership in orange county. I guess its one of those things that you should do once, but would never want to do again.

There is now a guy dancing a reenactment of the future. Bob Costas just said that he is known as "The pride of Milan" which is to say Milan should feel very very ashamed right now. The guy has a giant mohawk wig on and he is prancing around the stage to embarassing techno music. There are groups of 20 or so women that are covered in a giant parade type float so that all you can see is the legs, and he is dodging them as they creep around the stage. It is even worse than you would guess from this description.

In my rush to describe this dancing travesty, I was forced to gloss over the brief re-enactment of rennaisance paintings that preceded the dance, an event which merits no mention outside of this sentence.

Ok they just re-enacted a ferrari pit stop which has to qualify as some of the most blatant prodcut placement I've ever seen, especially since the announcers felt obligated to mention the brand literally 100s of times. I'm not sure how effective this advertising move is going to be; I can't imagine someone seeing this little display and thinking, "you know what, I think I'm going to go buy a ferrari". Especially since the driver guy just apparently got his foot stuck on the accelerator and he is spinning in circles spewing smoke everywhere. Ok so that was probably intentional, but still I asked Kip, what if this was all a terrible accident and the car was completely out of control and rammed a bunch of athletes. He didn't think that was likely.

The bold, boring artistic statements of now concluded and now it is time for the bold, boring speeches. The president of the IOC just called for the end of doping and hatred based nations. Come on, man, get real, you honestly expect athletes to stop using steroids. Not even George Bush could tackle that problem, what with his bizarre SOTU reference two years ago.

Toting the olympic flag are Sophia Loren and Susan Sandon among others. I don't get it. Oh, apparently they have taken a woman from each of six continents, leaving antartica woefully under-represented. The flag-raising is immensely dull, and I welcome the chance to rest my fingers.

Soon, they are going to light the olympic torch. I asked Kip earlier what the best torch lighting ever was, and he said the Atlanta one, where that guy fired a flaming arrow to light the giant torch. I think that one is greatness as well, but it makes me so nervous just thinking about it. I mean what if that guy missed? There is no way that he was able to sleep the night before the event. Even the most stressful things in life don't have stakes like that. If a figure skater completely wipes out and ruins their chances, big deal, one person gets a little upset, and life goes on. In fact, I was once watching the summer games and a diver just completely lost it. For whatever reason he could barely even jump off the board. He was hitting the water in belly flop position, and getting scores of 0.

But noone even remembers who that guy is. Now imagine what happens if the archer misses the torch! The arrow containing the olympic flame pitifully flails to the ground and burns itself out as millions watch. The guy hangs his head in shame and wishes he had taken up riflery instead. I really hope tonights torch lighting is a little stressful.

I must admit this is cool. 28 people hanging from wires just arranged themselves in the shape of a dove. Any momentum they had accumulated has just been blown. Yoko Ono has taken the stage, and she is reading an immensely stupid speech about peace or something. First of all you think that she could memorize a thirty second oration for an event like this, but she is not only reading it from a sheet of paper, but she is also constantly stumbling over her words. Not only that, but you would think that after decades in America her English would be somewhat intelligible. You would be wrong. Maybe that was an exercise in avant-gardism, but if not I just witnessed a train-wreck.

Peter Gabriel now sings "Imagine". This is one of the easiest songs to ruin, and he's doing a great job. I controversially believe that this song is actually not that good to begin with. When you throw in an plucked electronic double bass, synthesizers galore and a voice that only a mother could love, I begin to feel queasy.

An Apollo Anton Ohno commercial! A group of scraggly guys practice a well-coreogaphed dance routine.

Leader: What do the other teams say when they see Apollo?
Guys: Oh no! It's Apollo!
All: Oh yeah

I've been in conversations with Hutch recently, and he suggested that Bode Miller might have replaced Apollo as his favorite winter games athlete. I was pretty impressed by Bode during the opening ceremonies. He was walking apart from the rest of the US delegation and just sort of sulking. It was such a contrast to the picture-taking, hand-waving attitude of everyone else, that I couldn't help but be impressed. Still it would take a lot to replace Apollo. Does Bode have what it takes...oh no.

They are now doing the final stage of the torch lighting, passing it between a bunch of Italian winter athletes who I've never heard of. Anticipation builds. Wow, this woman won 10 medals.

The torch was just lit. It was pretty ok, Kip says it was weak. The 10 medal winner lit a fuse which ostensibly set off a series of pyrotechnics leading to the giant olympic flame. Clearly those fireworks were going off no matter what, and the lighting of the giant flame, fueled by massive gas pipes had nothing to do with the flame.

They're airing a promo for a bunch of the upcoming events. Man I'm excited.

Bob Costas had promised a "big surprise" at the end of the ceremony. We have just found out that it is an opera performance from the very fat Pavarotti. There is a giant chandelier, a full orchestra decked out in tuxedos, and a giant stage complete with a dramatic red curtain and all I can think is: It is going to be such a pain to clean all this stuff up.

He hits the high note though, pulls forth his handkerchief and, as the crowd goes wild, the curtain drops. It is impossible to deny the majesty of the moment. As Kip says, "the fat lady sang".

But it is not quite over. They are now launching hundreds of extremely well-coreographed fireworks, as NBC fades to commercial break. I realize that the people actually at the event are being forced to sit there in the freezing cold as NBC airs commercials. They must love that.

A final scene with Bob Costas (who was amazing) and friends. Someone named Mary Carilllo says that she likes the fact that the ceremony involved so many women. I'm guessing that this means that she is a female, though that is not immediately obvious.

As cheesy music plays, NBC replays clips from the just finished ceremony. As the voice of Andrea Bocelli booms and the Mohawk guy dances in replay, as the lone athlete of luxemburg walks proudly onto the stage, as the flag is raised and the flame is lit, I can't help but feel that I didn't waste the last two hours of my life.