Jack Attack

Here's my list of Jack's greatest convo performances and his true duds. Please comment if you disagree!

Greatest of All-time:

5. "Lord of the Rings Dance"- Criminally underrated. A true tour de force modern interpretative dance with Andrew wood. Best moment: Jack carries Andrew across the gym like a ballerina.
4. "Have you Seen My Head"- Jack pulls his shirt over his head and asks the audience where it went. Classic.
3. "Dr. Heath's Pen"- Jack teams up with Sahill Ghandi to sing a song about Dr. Heath's pen and attempt to get it back. Best Kazoo solo: The kazoo solo during this song.
2. "Eye of the Tiger"- Arguably Jack's greatest moment. I put it at number two because I was at a golf match and didn't get to see it, and also any moment that got beat by Sarah Campaigne's lip-sync group should not be number one. Worst Thing Ever: Missing this performance for a golf match.
1. "Senior Say-What"- Everyone was wondering how Jack would top "Eye of the Tiger" but he did. In an unlikely medley he danced to "Dashboard Confessional", "Andrew W.K." and most memorably, "The Little Mermaid". Best Thing of All-Time: The Bit with RJ.

The Duds:

4. "Dodgeball Challenge"- Jack challenges the seniors to a game of dodgeball. Jack vs. the Entire Senior Class. Things take a turn for the worse when he begins cussing. Punishment: One lunch detention.
3. "Campfire"- On senior retreats Jack attempted to play the role of motivational speaker, but when the crowd refused to perform a 'human wave' on cue things got ugly.
2. "The Becky Hug"- Jack walks to the gym floor and asks Becky Yoo for a hug. Funny concept, poorly realized.
1. "Spring Cleaning"- In an attempt to recreate the magic of their LOTR dance, Jack and Andrew paired up again and attempt to dance to a song about spring cleaning. Conflict of schedules, arrogance, and generally poor planning meant that this piece was performed with literally no rehersal. A true fiasco.

Annagrammar

This is something I wrote with my friend Allan Philips from Middle School. He goes to Stanford:


Dear Mr. Reilly,

We appreciated and enjoyed your submissions to our upcoming volume, “Anagram, Anagram!” Some of your entries may well be used. However, we rejected the following for reasons I trust you will agree upon.


A man, a plan, a canal, Panama -> A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
(Though this is technically an anagram, it is more impressive when presented as a palindrome.)

Principals Emeritus -> Pale Princes Merit Us
(Makes assumptions about audience; could be included with minor revision.)

Jibbety jabbety rat-a-tat-tat -> Ribbety tabbety jat-a-tat-tat
(Scat is cheating. You are abusing anagrammar.)

Rock the Casbah -> Cash the Baroque
(I agree with you, it should work but it does not. I must deny your request for poetic license. Ours is a written medium; phonetic anagrams will not do.)

Closet but no cigar -> Cigar Butts Console
(Here you compromise a popular cliché and still arrive at a banal recombination. Desperation has begun to seep into your work.)

Pol Pot is an evil man -> Pol Pot is a vile mann.
(Does not even warrant comment.)

Yggdrasil, Thy Rhythmic Myrrh! -> ??????????????
(You've got balls, Reilly, I'll give you that. Still, execution is key, and your pandering to my Nordic heritage seems almost sycophantic. Don’t bite off more than you can chew.)

William Makepeace Thackeray -> Carapace Althea Meek Kim Wily
(This came towards the end of your submission, amid myriad similar entries. I hesitate to level what is the greatest insult in our field, but I believe you resorted to an anagram generator)


Sincerely,


Niklas Forslund

P.S. Your proposed nom de plume, “Anne A. Graham,” is trite. We know you can do better.

X Marks the spot

I forgot a funny story that I have about leaving Princeton.

When everyone leaves here to go home, they obviously put there stuff into storage over the summer. Well, my roommate, Brett, offered to store my stuff at his house over the summer and he took most of it away yesterday which is great. Except, theres a few things left here (sheets, lamp, books) that I forgot to give to him and that are too big to take on the plane. So, what I did is hide them in funny places that noone would look all over the college. I put all my extra books on an unused shelf in the library and I hid my guitar behind a desk in the music room. I'm still looking for a place to put my lamp and a bunch of cheese that I've saved up, but so far the plan is going great. And the best part is, I'm going to draw up a treasure map so that I remember where to find everything in Septmber when I come back. And it's going to be written in Pirate-type languauge (To find ye notebook and index cards stand on the X and march three paces aftward!). That reminds me, I have to go draw a big X on the ground. Shiver me timbers what fun it shall be!

Well Done

I am all done with school for the year. Tonight I have a radio show. www.wprb.com if you want to listen, but it should be pretty bad. I will be home tomorrow. Boop!

Be Right Back

I haven't posted for awhile, because I have been mad busy studying and packing up. Still busy, but very soon, everyone can look forward to some very hot features, including:

A hilarious history of the conflict between Will Benjamin and Forbes 207
A hilarious history of the "greatest band of all time"...Cow Misting Room
Some of other stuff

Ryan Seacrest, out!

Competition

So Chris Knight has brought back his hit internet site at the exact same time that I decide to bring the blog back. Coincidence?? I think so! I mean...I think not! He is clearly trying to steal my fans, who like to laugh and have a good time while surfing the information super-highway. Well, let me say this, if you enjoy well thought out jokes, and carefully written humor pieces, then this is the place to be. If you like being assulted by 30-40 flash animations, loud midi songs, and poorly selected clip art, then, by all means please frequent Chris Knight's webpage. He's already got twice as many visitors as me. Never underestimate the American consumer.

Find Love Today!

There's this software that some got on my computer now, and it would make me really mad if it weren't so hilarious. What it does is it goes through articles that I'm reading and it finds a bunch of keywords (money, love, etc...) in the text of the articles and turns them into links to advertisers selling their products in these various fields. Thinking that the links are part of the article I foolishly click on them and am presented with a pitch about how I can make 10,000 dollars a month out of the comfort of my own home (though I'm not sure that a 150 square foot dorm room full of dirty clothes and insects is that comfortable). What so funny about it is the context in which these ads appear. I was reading an article today about an FTC comission had found that miracled diets don't actually work! Not the revelation of the century, but an interesting article. Then, I noticed in the text of the article whenever the word diet was mentioned (remember in the context of "these diets dont work") was a link to a miracle diet program! I quickly ordered 100 pills.

This sort of the thing has happened to me a bunch with this program, and the only reason I'm leaving it on my computer is the laughs I get from seeing these unfortunate juxtapositions or reality and advertising. That and I don't know how to get it off my computer.

Just the other day, I came across what quickly became my all-time favorite example of this software taking it one step too far. I was reading an article about Michael Jackson's upcoming trial and included was a quote from Michael's attorney saying something to the effect of "Michael loves children too much to ever do anything to harm them". The word love was linked to an online dating service. Now that's marketing.

Back in Black!

Dear Diary,

Today I got accepted into a comedy writing class taught by a famous writer and you even had to apply for it. This must mean that I am really funny! So with all this new confidence, I'm bringing back the blog (pause for standing ovation).

What you can expect to find in the upcoming weeks and months are some humorous accounts of things that have happened to me! All this and its free. I have even made it so that you are allowed to comment on my stories and tell me if they are somewhat funny or really hilarious.

What you shouldn't expect to find is really boring stuff about every tiny little detail that happened to me and also probably no poetry (I make no guarantees!) If you want to see that kind of stuff, I recommend that you make lots of emo friends, and you can all write in your diaries together about your emotions.

So, I hope that you enjoy my blog, and if you don't then I hope you get a mild illness.

Love,
Tom