How to Improve the Olympic Ratings

So the Olympics aren't getting the best ratings. Is it any wonder why? NBC's commercial-packed melodramatic presentation is testing even the most devoted Olympics fans (ie me). So I've put together a simple list of suggestions for NBC to improve the quality, and hopefully ratings of their Olympic Broadcasts:

1. Stop pretending we don't know what happens:

As long as the Olympics are taking place outside of the US its gonna be hard to show events live in primetime. So why does Bob Costas pretend that we don't know what's going to happen. "Will Bode Miller win the downhill tonight? Let's go to Mt. Baldacci to find out!" Why wait Bob? Anyone with a computer knows how the event is going to end. Just be honest with us, or else maybe tell wild lies to create confusion.

2. Put some civilians in the events to give us an appreciation for what's going on:

I was watching the biathalon today, which is the 13 km cross country ski race with breaks for target shooting. It was fun to watch, but with the flawless performances and immense talent of the participants it was easy to lose track of the impossibility of the task they were performing. NBC would enhance people's impressions of the winter athletes by entering a couple of randomly selected people in each of the olympic events, so that we could see how hard these events really are. But maybe not in the biathalon. I could see that going terribly, terribly wrong.

3. Simon Cowel as an ice dancing judge:

This one's obvious. American Idol is the Olympics' number one ratings threat and for obvious reasons--people love Simon Cowell. It wouldn't be hard to sit him down in a judges chair and ask him to critique the ice dancing. He'd do it for the ego boost, and people would tune in to watch him cut down the athletes with his trademark phrase "absolutely dreadful". Possible problems with this idea include: the judges don't actually say anything in the olympics.

4. Ditch the constant melodramatic vignettes:

Is there any way that every single Olympic athlete fought their way out of a poverty-stricken childhood to compete in these games? Considering the high percentage of Soviets its possible, but surely things couldn't be this dire. NBC broadcasts are peppered with countless numbers of these documentaries, drenched in overwrought strings and redemption against all odds. These pieces do nothing to add to my viewing experience, and usually mark the time when I change channels. I should also point out: how poor could you really be if you're able to afford the thousands of dollars of winter sports equipment and training necessary to become a competitive skier or skater. I'm not impressed.

5. Applebees must die!

These commercials fill me with so much rage. In them, Applebee's employees do good works in the community after coming home from work. Have you ever met an Applebee's employee? They are some of the most angry, unfriendly people on the planet. Who can blame them though? They work at Applebees. This is one of those rare ad campaigns that I hate so much that I will now intentionally avoid Applebee's for a while.

6. And the final, best way to improve the Olympics...

One Word: Broomball