More Like the SHAM-mys

2005 was a banner year for music. I dont need to list names but I will: Sufjan Stevens, New Pornographers, The Decemberists, The Eels. Even Bright Eyes, a band a swore never to like, released an extremely strong album, "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning". The situation is so overwhelming that I haven't even gotten to half of the acclaimed albums released this year.

So it makes sense that Mariah Carey would receive eight grammy nominations for "The Emancipation of Mimi". Though I recently stopped caring about the Grammy's (I think the turning point was when they awarded Brian Wilson, the greatest vocal arranger of the 20th century, his first and only award for an instrumental performance) this may be a good chance for hilarious comedy, so let's sit back, relax, and take a look at the best music of 2005:

Best Album

The Emancipation Of Mimi
Mariah Carey

Chaos And Creation In The Backyard
Paul McCartney

Love. Angel. Music. Baby.
Gwen Stefani

How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
U2

Late Registration
Kanye West

Already we have a problem. I've heard only one of these albums, Late Regristarion, extensively, so it's going to be hard for me to comment. It's possible that I've got Mariah all wrong, and that Mimi is truly a classic album. But no. That's just not true. Mariah Carey is a plauge, and I celebrated her downfall. These celebrations, apparently, turned out to be pre-mature. As for U2, this album was just about as bland as you could get. After sitting through an entire song called "Yahweh", I decided that it was time for evasive maneuvers and quickly deleted the album from my computer. I have no regrets. Late registration was about half as good as College Dropout and it will be a shame if it wins, because, I, for one, want to see another Kanye West meltdown.

Best New Artist

Ciara
Fall Out Boy
Keane
John Legend
SugarLand

It would be easy to point out that Keane has been around since 1997, and as such, is not technically a new artist. But this is a well-worn journalistic path, and my time would be better spent telling you that Fall Out Boy has to be one of the most unremarkable bands I've ever heard.

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal

Don't Lie
The Black Eyed Peas

Mr. Brightside
The Killers

More Than Love
Los Lonely Boys

This Love
Maroon 5

My Doorbell
The White Stripes

I would love to know how Jack White feels about being nominated for the same award as the other four bands on this list, but I'm afraid if I asked him he would just start crying.

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals

Gone Going
The Black Eyed Peas & Jack Johnson

Virginia Moon
Foo Fighters Featuring Norah Jones

Feel Good Inc.
Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul

A Song For You
Herbie Hancock Featuring Christina Aguilera

A Time To Love
Stevie Wonder Featuring India.Arie

This is the second nomination for The Black Eyed Peas. At this point, I honestly can't tell if they're kidding. Also, an interesting question for Herbie Hancock would be to ask if Christina Aguillera is as talented a musical partner as Miles Davis.

Best Rock Song

Best Of You
Foo Fighters, songwriters (Foo Fighters)

Beverly Hills
Rivers Cuomo, songwriter (Weezer)

City Of Blinding Lights
U2, songwriters (U2)

Devils & Dust
Bruce Springsteen, songwriter (Bruce Springsteen)

Speed Of Sound
Guy Berryman, Jon Buckland, Will Champion & Chris Martin, songwriters (Coldplay)

You may be surprised that this is the first nomination for Coldplay, meaning that they completely missed out on Best Album, Best Record, and Best Song nominations. This would seem to violate the formula used by Grammy voters of Album Sales/10^6 = Number of Grammy Nominations, but apparently even the voters found the lyrics on "X&Y" too much to take. But wait, let us remind ourselves that the Black Eyed Peas slipped through, so for now this one remains a mystery. Also notice the interesting trend that every artist on this list recorded their best music long ago. This is an interesting technique used by Grammy Voters, called nostalgia. Because it rewards musicians who were once good, it is the least offensive of their tactics.

Best Alternative Music Album

Funeral
The Arcade Fire

Guero
Beck

Plans
Death Cab For Cutie

You Could Have It So Much Better
Franz Ferdinand

Get Behind Me Satan
The White Stripes

Is it just me, or is this group of nominees titled wrong. I think what they meant to write was "Best-Selling Alternative Music Album". Otherwise there's no explaining how "Guero" or "Plans" made the cut. Also, I'm a big fan of Franz Ferdinand and The White Stripes, but I am not going to pretend that either of these albums was in the top 5 for 2005. Finally, there's the small issue of "Funeral" being released in September, 2004, but I'm not one to nit-pick. After all, it's the best album on the list.

Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group

Don't Phunk With My Heart
The Black Eyed Peas

The Corner
Common Featuring The Last Poets

Encore
Eminem Featuring Dr. Dre & 50 Cent

Hate It Or Love It
The Game Featuring 50 Cent

Wait (The Whisper Song)
Ying Yang Twins

For those of you keeping score, this is number three for The Black Eyed Peas. I'm not going to make excuses for the voters, but at least this song is extremely catchy (please see earlier entry). Furthermore, The Corner and Hate It Or Love It are actually good songs! What's going on here. Oh there we go, Eminem and the Ying-Yang Twins. Much better.

Best Country Album

Fireflies
Faith Hill

Lonely Runs Both Ways
Alison Krauss And Union Station

Time Well Wasted
Brad Paisley

All Jacked Up
Gretchen Wilson

Jasper County
Trisha Yearwood

We can't really blame the Grammy folks for this one. Trying to pick the best country album or 2005 must be like trying to pick your favorite ruthless dictators or fatal disease. How can you pick just 5!

Best Hawaiian Music Album

Slack Key Dreams Of The Ponomoe
Kapono Beamer

Sweet & Lovely
Raiatea Helm

Kiho'alu - Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar
Ledward Ka'apana

Slack Key Guitar: The Artistry Of Sonny Lim
Sonny Lim

Masters Of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar - Vol. 1
Various ArtistsDaniel Ho, Paul Konwiser & Wayne Wong, producers

Can someone please explain to me why there are awards for best Hawaiian Music, best Polka Album, and best Traditional Soul Gospel Album (as opposed to contemporary Soul Gospel Album). I'm the last guy who would want to try and cheat Mr. Ka'apana out of his glory, but as long as we're gonna let him have a chance, who's it gonna hurt to include a "Best Album Produced on a Laptop Computer" award?

Best Opera Recording

Britten: Death In Venice Richard Hickox, conductor; Michael Chance, Philip Langridge & Alan Opie; BrianCouzens, producer (BBC Singers; City Of London Sinfonia)

Conradi: Ariadne Paul O'Dette & Stephen Stubbs, conductors; Barbara Borden, Karina Gauvin, EllenHargis, Jan Kobow, Julian Podger, Marek Rzepka, James Taylor & Matthew White;Renate Wolter-Seevers, producer (Boston Early Music Festival Chorus; BostonEarly Music Festival Orchestra)

Strauss, R.: Daphne Semyon Bychkov, conductor; Johan Botha, Renée Fleming, Anna Larsson, MichaelSchade & Kwanchul Youn; Michael Haas, producer (West German Radio SymphonyOrchestra (Köln)

Verdi: Falstaff Sir Colin Davis, conductor; Carlos Alvarez, Bülent Bezdüz, Marina Domashenko,Jane Henschel, Ana Ibarra, Maria Josè Moreno & Michele Pertusi; James Mallinson,producer (London Symphony Chorus; London Symphony Orchestra)

Vivaldi: Bajazet Fabio Biondi, conductor; Patrizia Ciofi, David Daniels, Ildebrando D'Arcangelo,Elina Garanca, Vivica Genaux & Marijana Mijanovic; Nicolas Bartholomée, producer(Europa Galante)

Egads! How can Grammy voters refuse to acknowledge Sergio Fallagoni's timeless production of Madame Butterfly, let alone Mme. Dellafonte in Verci Villagioni. This time, Grammys, you have gone too far.